insult to injury

Well it's upon us again. As if I didn't already have enough shit to do this week I just realized it's flag day again. I don't know about you, but I'm getting really tired of the flags always getting all of the credit around here. I work my ass off every day and all I get is corns on my feet and patchy sideburns. This hardly seems fair, and I'm sure in some way it's the fault of the bush administration. Speaking of "W", I was biking to work the other day and realized that bike shorts are a little too restrictive at 6am on a Friday morning. Not to say that getting up at 6am isn't restricting enough on it's own, but who the hell designed those things anyway? I mean the least you could do is leave a guy a little room to breath. Little room. That reminds me of Little House on the Prairie, which brings me to my point for today. Now I'm willing to give up billions of hard earned american tax dollars to subsidize the american heartland so we can all maintain the illusion that this country can grow a potato competitively, but what I will not stand for is bailing out some dumbass who decides to build a house on a flood plain and wakes up one morning with a catfish in his pajamas. I would like to say that this is just a problem in rural areas caused by people who aren't smart enough to know better, but unfortunately poverty and IQ don't seem to be a factor in determining who's going to build a house in an area that people hundreds of years ago could have figured out might be a little risky. What is the point here? Well I don't realy have one other than that I can't stand waste, especially when it bails out Republicans, who incidently seem to be the one common thread when it comes to groups most likely to need federal assistance to pump river water out of their living rooms (I lost the source for that fact, but believe me it's true). This brings me to my conclusion. If everyone would just quit messing with the system I would have a lot less free time and would quit boring you with this mindless drool. My insides hurt, and this whole thing makes no sense, so I think I'll go to be and save some anonymous server farm another kb of wasted space.

invite rant

[continued from tad's generous e-vite]...The fact that I really get off on wasting people's time through senseless ramblings and bad jokes makes you wonder why I don't do more blog posts. After all, blogs are nothing if not a blatant waste of time. They're almost as much of a waste of time as ant farms. Ant farms, blogs, and community theatre. Those are actually three of the predominant drags on society today. For those of you that are interested in more of my opinions on the modern day world, please visit my blog more often. I've been meaning to start posting again on a regular basis, but community theatre has really been f'n up my schedule. Thanks for listening. The Bacon Patriot

obligatory post

this qualifies as the post I promised. I'll work on something more substantial before the end of the week. By the way, for those who've complained about my slow rate of updates, I will point out that it has been less than a year since my last one.

20060516

I hope no one has been disappointed by my infrequent postings. I would like to make sure you understand I plan to keep my PPW ratio (postings per week) down around .25. Please don't get worried if you haven't heard from me in a while.

I really don't understand why it's so difficult to find a place in this town with a decent cup of coffee AND a muffin that's slightly better than average. As if I don't already have enough to worry about, the least someone could do is open an establishment in which a cupcake with berries doesn't qualify as a muffin. Granted I've never really baked before, but how hard could it be? I've made a damn fine hot ham and cheese sandwich after drinking a couple six packs of High Life. I'll let that speak for itself.

In case any of you were worried that our Northern MN neighbors might not be getting enough sunlight exposure, you can breathe a sigh of relief. As I was passing through the neighborhood Conoco on my way through Virginia, MN this past weekend, I couldn't help but notice the entire end-cap of the main shopping aisle dedicated to a wide variety of sun tanning accoutrements. Apparently they've found enough time between shot-gunning a few of Hamm's and keeping up with the region's meth demand to indulge in a little sun worship. My first thought on sun bathing in Virginia would be, "why bother?". However, after recognizing the 1983 skin cancer poster child (and coincidently the 1991 Virginia High prom queen) working behind the checkout counter, I'm quite positive that with a lack of motivation to do anything except collecting unemployment checks and squeezing a fresh tube of coconut oil, there will be no shortage of brown Scandinavians in the Northland this summer.

As a final note for this "week", I wanted to comment on some of the speculation surrounding my choice in naming this blog. I am a liberator of pork.

My first day

Is it surprising that it was a German that created the technology that can preserve a cadaver in plastic? When I die, I want to be componentized into several plastic parts, so that school kids can re-assemble me like a Mr. Potato Head.

Can you really take someone seriously if they're wearing a fadora?